Why I Hate Truth or Dare
by Dudette13
Summary: I took a deep breath. This was it. I was about to dack one of the hottest girl in school. But I couldn’t dack Evans! On top of everything else, she didn’t deserve it. Not in public! Maybe in private… Heh. Heh. [Oneshot, Marauder era, James' POV.]


**A/N:** Well this started out as being a response to a challenge (made by myself, isn't that sad?), although I kind of forgot about the challenge part halfway through writing it. So… now it's just Why I Hate Truth or Dare. James' POV, Fifth Year, 1975.

**Disclaimer:** ROFL! You really _are_ insane if you think I'm JKR! And, even if you _do_ live in the building with bouncy foam on the walls, you still won't believe I'm her after reading this. Trust me.

It started with a game of Truth or Dare. Yeah, that sounds dramatic and cliché, but it really did. It was a product of Padfoot's insane mind. He was bored on a Friday night, about seven o'clock, so whilst I was conjuring up white lilies and Remus was reading and Peter was writing a letter to his mum, Sirius said, completely out of the blue;

"How about a game of Truth or Dare?"

Well, as you can imagine, we all stared at him disbelievingly. I mean, not only was Truth or Dare a game played by girls ninety-nine percent of the time, but we were _fifteen._ What did he expect us to do, giggle hysterically when I picked Dare and Peter "Unoriginal" Pettigrew Dared me to ask Lily Evans, love of my life, out on a date? I'd only done that five-thousand, one hundred and sixty-four times before. And it was _so_ difficult to predict what her answer was going to be. Five thousand, one hundred and sixty-fifth time lucky, hey?

"Exactly how many cranberries have you eaten, Sirius?" asked Remus.

But… Peter couldn't be bothered going to the owlery until the morning and Remus was getting fed up with his depressing book and my bed was already covered in white lily petals thanks to me saying "She loves me, She loves me more," after every pluck of a petal. And all four of us were a little high. So, somehow, we agreed.

Moony was first up. "Truth." He said, looking very sorry he'd ever agreed to play. Boring old Moony. Always picks Truth.

"OK, how do you feel every Full Moon when you transform?" asked Sirius eagerly.

"Um… like I'm transforming into a wolf?" said Remus.

"Stupidest. Question. Ever." I said, slapping my forehead with my palm. "You could have at least asked him something more specific. Like if it's true that a werewolf gets horny before Full Moon. Or if he could choose any girl in our year to make out with, who would it be. _Or_… heh, heh… if he could choose one of us to-"

Remus cleared his throat loudly. "Your turn, Wormtail."

"Truth, I guess." said Peter.

"You two are so _boring!_" complained Sirius.

"You're the one who pretty much forced us to play!" protested Peter.

"I got one!" I exclaimed. "OK, if you were being tortured by You-Know-Who, and he said he was going to kill either you or your girlfriend, and he also said you had to choose which one of you would die, which would it be?"

"And you said _my_ question was stupid!" said Sirius.

"At least we'll find out more than the fact that Peter feels like he's turning into a rat when he transforms!"

"Would You-Know-Who leave me alone after that?" asked Peter.

"Yep."

"Probably my girlfriend, then."

"Ooooh." said Me, Sirius and Remus disapprovingly in unison.

"I'm confused." said Peter. I agreed with him there.

"Well, it's my turn now!" said Sirius cheerfully. "Dare!"

"I Dare you to…" I thought. "Go out with _Her_!" _Her _was a code name for one of the absolute bitches in the year below us. We'd found out that she had a crush on Sirius, and had never let it go.

"You're kidding."

"Nope! You have to go on a date with _Her_!"

"Yeah," Remus agreed, gasping for breath between laughs. "And you have to kiss _Her_ at least once, too."

"No game of Truth or Dare would make me kiss _Her_!" said Sirius with obvious disgust.

"What was the point of you suggesting a game if you aren't even going to do the Dare?" asked Peter.

"That's not a Dare." said Sirius. "That's a death sentence. Because if I ever kissed _Her_, I'd have to chop my lips off, and then I'd bleed so much I'd die. Or even if I didn't die from blood loss, I would kill myself. I mean, no making out ever again? Or eating? That's just cruel."

"But you could eat _without_ lips, and…" Remus paused. "Oh, never mind."

"But, hey, he's right." I said. "No snogging anyone ever again?"

"Then you have to do another Dare," said Remus. "How about… hey, which girl do you like this week?"

"Um… let me think…" Sirius stared off into space thoughtfully. "Amanda Lost."

Remus laughed evilly. "I dare you to get into bed and pretend-"

Well, I'm going to cut it off there, because the minute after Moony finished that sentence were some of the most disturbing of my life. I mean, seriously. Sometimes I have nightmares about it. I'm scarred for life. Padfoot's just glad that Amanda never found out. I swear she would have hexed him into the following Tuesday.

"Oh. My. God." said Peter, as we all stared at Sirius with mixed expressions of shock and horror.

"Too. Much. Information." There were beads of sweat on my head, I was that grossed out.

"That. Was. Disgusting." Remus was so horror-struck he seemed to have lost the ability to blink.

"Well, it's your fault for giving me the dare," pointed out Sirius. "Your turn, Prongs."

"Dare." I said slowly, still getting over what I'd just seen. There was a silence as Sirius thought and Remus, Peter and I remained frozen with repulsion.

"Oooh… I know!" said Sirius suddenly. "I dare you to _dack _Evans!"

Well, that snapped me out of it.

"WHAT?" I yelled.

"Dare you to dack Evans!" Sirius repeated. "You know, pull her pants down?"

"I can't bloody well do that!" I said.

"Chicken!" said Sirius.

"Bawk… bawk… bawk…" the three other Marauders clucked mockingly. Well. I was no chicken. Not at all. No way. And I wasn't going to get a reputation for being the coward Marauder. That was Peter's job. I was the hair ruffling one, the one with the glasses and the Obsessive Lily Disorder. But I was no chicken.

I stood up dramatically.

"If I die today, I'd like to give you, Padfoot, get pretty much all of my stuff. Like my broomstick. And all my money. Not that I have any money myself, but you can have my parents money when they die. Moony, I know Evans will need someone else to love her as much as I do if I'm gone. Even though it's not possible to love her as much as me. But anyway, I want you to love her like you would a sister, and for both of you to always remember me as her true soul mate. And Wormtail, you can have all the food that would otherwise be eaten by me at feasts."

I thought it was a pretty touching speech. Although Remus ruined the mood slightly by saying;

"You do realise that your fly's undone?"

"Moony!" said Sirius, giving Remus an elbow in the ribs. "He's trying to make his last words touching ones for us to remember him by. Now whenever I think of Prongs' dead, rotting, maggoty corpse, I'm gunna see his undone fly."

"Ew, you're going to remember Prongs by an undone fly?" asked Peter.

"It's Remus' fault!" exclaimed Sirius in his own defence. Remus sighed.

"James isn't going to die."

"At least, not alone." said Sirius. "Best friends to the death. I'm going down with you, buddy."

"Really?" I asked hopefully.

"Hmm… No." said Sirius. "But I _am_ going down to the Common Room with you. To make sure you really do it. And to laugh loudly when Lily murders you."

"You're such a great best friend." I muttered sardonically.

"Marauders secret handshake for luck!" said Sirius.

"But we don't _have_ a secret handshake!" said Remus.

"Oh," Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Really? We need to make one up then. After Prongs' funeral, of course."

"Hey, can you bury me on the Quidditch pitch?" I asked. Stalling. That was all I had to do. Stall. Then, maybe with a bit of luck, they'd start planning my funeral and forget all about the Dare.

"Yeah, sure!" said Sirius enthusiastically. "Then we can have the Quidditch team in black robes! And we can do a salute to you with Quaffles! And… hey, quit stalling!"

"I was _not_ stalling!" I said. The other three Marauders looked at me sceptically. "So… go on about this Quaffle salute, Padfoot." I added half-heartedly. Sirius raised his eyebrow at me, stuffed his hand under my pillow and withdrew my Invisibility Cloak.

"Hey, great idea!" I said. "Then Lily can't tell that it's me."

"This isn't for you!" said Sirius. "It's for us, so Lily can't see us watching you. She's gunna blow a gasket, man."

"But it's mine!" I whined. "And I _need_ it!"

"Sorry, mate." said Sirius. "But the rules of Truth or Dare…"

I wished with all my heart that I hadn't stood up for Padfoot earlier, and that he still had to date _Her_. I walked casually down the stairs, with a growing feeling of dread in my stomach.

I would have to work in utmost secrecy. Stealthily, I moved throughout the Common Room… and stubbed my toe.

"Ow, ow, ow, _shit!_ That _hurt!_" I screamed. So much for utmost secrecy. Everyone present stared, including Lily. I heard Moony, Wormtail and Padfoot sniggering from under the Cloak behind me. When the stares and laughter had subsided, and people had finally turned around, I ducked down behind an armchair and, crouching low, moved towards Lily.

"Do I _have_ to?" I whispered to the space I knew the other Marauders were.

"Yes!" Came the unanimous, invisible answer.

"But she'll hex me so bad I'll sprout tentacles! At the very least!"

"Damn," Sirius muttered. "I forgot my wand. We should've conjured popcorn."

"Ooh! Hey, thanks, Moony!" came Peter's voice, and then the crunching sound of three mouths munching popcorn.

I took a deep breath. This was it. I was about to dack one of the hottest girl in school. I _hated_ Truth or Dare. Hated, hated, _hated _it. How could I ever get Sirius back for this? How about sticking a cucumber in his underpants? Ha ha… wait! I had to focus! But I _couldn't_ dack Evans! On top of everything else, she didn't deserve it. Not in public! Maybe in private… Heh. Heh.

I reached out for her belt loops, and wrapped my fingers around them. _Please, Lily._ I begged internally. _Please notice me now, before I have to do this. Hex me and be done with it._

But Lily didn't move.

"Hurry up!" whispered Sirius impatiently. "We're running out of popcorn!"

I winced, turned my head away and, with dread, pulled. I heard a shriek and a yell of;

"POTHEAD!"

_Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fu… Oooh! Would you look at that!_

"WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"

"James Potter, glad to be of service." I held out my hand as though expecting her to shake it. Lily looked murderous. Sirius, Remus and Peter's loud laughter mingled with the girls looking pitying, or rolling around on the floor with laughter, and boys either pissing themselves or trying to get a better look. Lily turned bright red and pulled her jeans up, eyes blazing.

"Nice underwear, Evans." I said. "Better than Snivelly's, anyway." A few extra laughs were added to the uproar. I grinned, trying to hide the fact that I was completely and utterly terrified.

"I'm going to give you 'till the count of ten." She said, quietly and dangerously. Feeling my physical health was more important that my reputation at that particular time, I turned my tail and scarpered.

"Run, Prongs!" came Sirius' voice amidst the laughter and jeering of spectators. "Run like the wind!" And I did just that, pushing through the crowd.

"Three… four… five… Oh, to hell with it."

"Go Lily!" Somebody cheered. I ran, up the boy's staircase, and to what I thought was safety. But the staircase turned into a slide. Laughter sound levels increased as I slid down on my ass to Lily and my doom.

"Ow! Bloody hell, Evans!" I groaned, as Lily's foot hit my crotch fast and hard. There was a sympathetic 'Ooooh…' from some of the guys and whoops from all of the girls. Lily continued to slapping and punching me mercilessly, at any part of exposed flesh she could find. I help up my hands.

"Stop, madwoman!" I yelled. And, miraculously, she stopped. My hands fell from in front of my face. Lily's wand was right between my eyes.

"Now… let's not get too hasty…" I cowered.

"Give me one good reason not to." said Lily calmly.

"Er… the guys dared me?" I supplied meekly. Lily shook her head. Purple light streamed from her wand tip.

I limped back up to our dormitory half an hour later. I had a black eye, a split lip, a broken wrist and my whole body was stiff and sore. Oh, and my skin had turned bright blue.

"Lily finished pummelling you?" Sirius asked lazily from his bed. He was playing exploding snap with Remus and Peter. I realised there was no point in pretending that I had hit Lily back. I could never hit a girl – especially not the love of my life. And they well knew it.

"Yeah," I said glumly.

"Nice facial." Remus sniggered.

"Shut_ up._"

That day was a day recorded in history by the Marauders. I like to call it "The Day I Proved That I Wasn't A Coward By Dacking Evans." But, to the other three, and everyone else in Gryffindor, it's just;

"The Day James Potter Got Beaten Up By A Girl."

**A/N:** One of the most random things I've ever written. Excluding, of course, Harry Potter and the Cranberry Affected Fanfic, which is posted my joint account, Tongze'n'Phawke, just in case you like this kind of retarded humour. Oh, and trust me, Moony, Wormtail and Prongs were right to be that grossed out by Padfoot's Dare. I've seen someone dared to do that before. Shudder.


End file.
